Self-Compassion for the Working Parent
In my work as a therapist with working parents in Washington, DC, I consistently notice one recurring pattern: the pressure my clients place on themselves to excel at everything. DC is a great place to live and it is also a city filled with smart, ambitious individuals, which creates a culture that heavily values achievement. In this post, I will share one practice I frequently return to with clients who are grappling with that relentless inner critic—self-compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff, a seminal psychologist in the clinical application of self-compassion, defines it as the practice of treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding you would offer to a good friend—especially during challenging times or when you make mistakes. On the surface, this might seem straightforward but when my clients take a step back, they often realize they aren't as kind to themselves as they thought. This can have a significant impact on mental health. In fact, extensive research shows that self-compassion can reduce anxiety, improve mood, lower stress, and boost self-esteem.
As a working parent, whether your child is two or fifteen, you're juggling multiple competing priorities. This can provoke your inner critic (because the pursuit of perfection, by nature, is unattainable). Self-compassion is grounded in three key premises:
Self-Kindness vs. Self-Judgment: Self-kindness involves being gentle, warm, and understanding with yourself during moments of pain, failure, or difficulty. Instead of criticizing or punishing yourself, you offer care and encouragement.
Common Humanity vs. Isolation: Recognizing common humanity means understanding that everyone experiences struggles and imperfections, which helps you feel connected to others rather than isolated in your pain. Isolation, on the other hand, makes us feel as if we're alone in our challenges.
Mindfulness vs. Over-Identification: Mindfulness means being aware of your emotions and thoughts in the present moment—without suppressing them or becoming overwhelmed. Over-identification happens when you become so absorbed in your emotions that you lose perspective, intensifying your distress.
Now that you have a sense of what self-compassion means, let’s explore a few practical suggestions for integrating it into your daily routine over the next week.
For many of my clients, the morning rush—getting themselves and their children ready for work, school, daycare, or when the nanny arrives—can be one of the most stressful parts of the day. It’s when the inevitable tantrums or conflicts happen. In these moments, try to slow down and say one or two compassionate things to yourself, such as: “This is really overwhelming. It makes sense why I’m feeling stressed right now. It’s going to be ok.” (Or whatever phrase/phrases resonate with you.) Bonus points if you can offer yourself a compassionate touch—perhaps placing your hand on your heart or giving yourself a hug. I know this may sound "woo-woo," but stick with me- there’s strong research supporting regulation of your nervous system through touch.
Throughout the day, notice your thoughts. Are there moments when you’re particularly critical of yourself? Maybe you had a challenging meeting with your boss, and your inner critic is telling you that you should’ve been better prepared, or that you're not smart enough for your role. Try reframing these thoughts with more self-compassion—words you might offer a friend who’s distressed about a meeting. You’d likely never dream of saying the harsh things you tell yourself to a friend. Instead, you might say, "I’m sorry that the meeting didn’t go well, but I’m sure it’ll be better next time. You were meant for this job."
Lastly, try incorporating a mindful moment (or two!) into your day. One of the things I hear most from my clients is that it’s challenging to find time to practice mindfulness as a busy working parent. One way to make it easier is by "stacking" a five-minute mindfulness practice onto another habit. One of my clients, for example, practices mindfulness while making her coffee. Instead of rushing through the task, she focuses on being present and engages her five senses as she goes through the process—she listens to the sound of the coffee brewing, feels the warmth of the mug in her hands, breathes in the rich aroma, notices the visual details of the coffee’s color and steam rising from the cup, and finally, the taste of the first sip. This practice helps her stay grounded and centered before starting her day. Another client finds that practicing "Four Count Breathing" is helpful when stress starts to build. By inhaling for four counts, holding your breath for four, exhaling for four, and holding again for four, she can reset.
These are just a few ways to bring more self-compassion into your life. Offering yourself kindness, recognizing your shared humanity with others, and practicing mindfulness can be transformative tools in reducing stress and increasing your overall well-being.